


Small Moments: What I Can't Have

by K_AudreyLeto



Series: Small Moments Verse [4]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24264949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_AudreyLeto/pseuds/K_AudreyLeto
Summary: Another installment from the Small Moments verse which is part of the Somewhere in Between verse.This one takes place on the very first day of high school. The first time Rachel and Quinn see each other, talk to each other, and realize their feelings for each other.The events of this fic are referenced in chapter 24 of Somewhere in between; but here is the full story.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Series: Small Moments Verse [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1684792
Comments: 1
Kudos: 22





	Small Moments: What I Can't Have

**Small Moments: What I Can’t Have**

_ “You've ruined my life, by not being mine.” _

***

Judy Fabray’s Escalade pulled into the parking lot of McKinley High School. She put the car in park, and then turned to face her daughter in the passenger seat. 

They were new in town and she was worried that her daughter wouldn’t fit in.

Just like at her middle school.

“Are you feeling okay, Lucy?”

The girl turned her head and glared at her mother so quickly it made Judy nervous.

“It’s Quinn mom,” she spat and Judy nodded.

“Right,” she held her hands up. “I’m sorry, I’m-I’m still getting used to it.”

“Well... get used to it faster,” Quinn grumbled and Judy looked at the girl sadly. 

As she stared at her daughter- whom she loved deeply; she prayed that one day her baby would finally let herself be happy.

That she would finally be herself.

She also prayed that whenever she did let her real self out that it wouldn’t destroy everything.

She pushed those thoughts aside and reached over to tuck a loose piece of hair behind Quinn’s ear.

When she did she was met with another glare from her.

She quickly pulled her hand away, “You know Quinnie, your father and I are very proud of you.” 

Quinn rolled her eyes before staring blankly at her mother.

_ Why? Because I’m not fat anymore? _ \- she thought.

__ “Whatever,” she finally said before opening the door. She slammed the door behind herself, flung her backpack over her shoulder, and walked toward the front entrance without ever looking back at her mother. 

Judy watched her go and sent up another silent prayer that maybe- at this school- Quinn could  _ finally _ be herself.

***

Rachel Berry sat proudly in the back seat of her daddy’s car as both of her fathers- yes both (they insisted)- drove her to her first day of high school.

“Are you excited baby girl?”

“I’m so excited… today marks the beginning of my womanhood.” Hiram laughed while Leroy winced.

“Rachel honey, can you not say things like womanhood. It freaks me out.”

“Not like that daddy… I just mean this is the year where it all begins. My dreams will start here… this school has a glee club you know?” 

“We know, you’ve only told us like a million times,” Leroy teased as was rewarded by a slight nudge from his husband.

“Stop teasing her, she’s merely excited.”

Leroy rolled his eyes but listened to his husband.

As he pulled into the parking lot he laughed internally at Hiram's next question.

But more so at Rachel’s answer.

He loved her so much.

“Besides glee club, are you going to join any other clubs?”

“All of them.”

Once Rachel had exited the car and kissed them both goodbye; they watched as she walked toward her future with the utmost confidence. When she was out of sight Hiram looked sadly at Leroy.

“Our baby girl is growing up.”

“Yeah,” he put a soothing hand on Hiram’s shoulder. “Maybe... but she’s always been more mature than us anyway.”

Hiram could only laugh because of how true that was.

***

Quinn walked through the front door and took a deep breath. 

_ This was it… this would change her life _ \- she locked her newly discovered bitchy attitude in place and walked toward the locker she had been assigned. She opened the locker with the combination she had already memorized and began pulling the books she wouldn’t need yet out of her bag and placing them into her locker when a pretty blonde girl came up and opened the locker right next to hers. Their eyes met and they shared a smile.

“Hi I’m Brittany… I’m new here,” she held out her hand and Quinn shook it.

“I’m Q-Quinn, I’m new here too.”

“Awesome.”

They both finished what they were doing and turned to look at everyone else as they were coming in and finding their lockers.

“You know Quinn, I think you and me are going to be great friends.”

“Why’s that?” Quinn pulled the books she was holding close to her chest and braced herself for whatever this girl might say.

“Because we’re both new, we don’t know anyone, and plus... we’re both hot.”

With a relieved sigh; Quinn felt a warmth spread over her and she thought- however briefly- that maybe finally everything would be good.

But then everything changed when _ she _ walked in.

*

As Rachel walked in the front door of her brand new future she had no idea the impact she would make on the blonde girl that couldn’t take her eyes off of her. In fact, she didn’t even see her. With her patented confidence she strutted toward her locker without even looking at anyone else around her. 

Quinn’s eyes followed the girl without her permission.

_ She was gorgeous.  _

As the girl walked in her direction Quinn’s mouth fell open and feelings she had been fighting for years now began spreading like lava through her insides. The girl was short with dark hair and equally beautiful dark eyes. She wore a red sweater, and jeans so tight it should’ve been illegal. She eyed the girl up and down and licked her lips. 

And then without realizing it she was talking. “Who is that?” She all but purred. And Brittany who was staring at a different hot brunette across the hall, turned her head and followed Quinn’s line of vision. 

When she saw the girl she smiled.

Brittany noticed that Quinn was looking at the girl like she wanted to eat her and she smiled.

She had known for a long time that she liked both guys and girls and could totally tell that Quinn liked whoever  _ that girl _ was.

“She’s hot huh?” Brittany asked with an eyebrow raised. Quinn nodded briefly before quickly meeting Brittany’s eyes with a look of anger or fear or something in her eyes.

She waited and when she realized that Quinn wasn’t going to say anything she continued. “It’s okay if you like her because I-” 

“No! I don’t like her, that's disgusting.” Quinn turned on her heel and ran toward the nearest bathroom. 

And that was that. 

Brittany never got to tell her that she liked girls too and that it was okay- because she didn’t want to lose the first friend she had made there. 

***

Quinn was standing in the bathroom leaning against the sink and trying to control her breathing. She had hoped things at this school would be different and maybe they would be.

But changing her look, her image, and her attitude wouldn’t change who she truly was.

She knew she could never change it, but she had every intention of ignoring it. 

She just didn’t expect  _ her _ .

“Hey, you okay?”

Quinn turned to see a short, really attractive, latina girl looking at her. She nodded once and wiped her face. 

“Y-Yeah… I’m just-”

“Overwhelmed?”

“Yeah… something like that.” Quinn let out a humorless laugh. She turned to face the girl. “I’m new here.”

“Yeah I noticed,” the girl moved to the sink beside her, pulled her mascara out of her bag and began fixing her makeup. “I’m Santana Lopez.”

“I’m Quinn… Quinn Fabray.”

“Look, the only way to make it in this loser town is to be one of the popular kids.”

“Okay,” Quinn agreed. 

“I think you look hot enough and bitchy enough to run this school with me,” Santana added and Quinn smiled. 

She felt good for the first time all day.

Once Santana was done fixing her eye makeup she faced Quinn again. “The sign up sheets for all school clubs and teams will be posted at the end of the day.”

“Okay,” Quinn repeated as she wondered what the girl was getting at.

“The Cheerios; which is the cheerleading team is the only cool thing this school has going for it,” Quinn nodded. “I’m signing up, and I think you should to,” she winked and then left the bathroom.

Quinn breathed a sigh of relief.

_ Maybe things would be okay here after all.  _

***

Rachel had made it halfway through the day without being teased and she was beginning to think high school would be where everything might finally be different for her.

Where she might finally have friends.

She was sitting on the bleachers in her PE class waiting for the teacher to come in when she saw a blonde girl that she had never seen before. She moved closer to her. 

“Hi I’m Rachel Berry, and since I never forget a face and I know I have never seen you before you must be new here.”

Brittany smiled; the girl talked really fast but she was so nice. “I’m Brittany S. Pierce,” she held out her hand and Rachel shook it. 

They began talking about where Brittany had moved from but she could see that Rachel had suddenly lost her breath.

Brittany looked over to where Rachel was looking and saw that Quinn had just entered the gym. 

She couldn’t help but smile. 

_ They freaking liked each other. _

“Who is that?” Again Brittany couldn’t fight the smile because it was with the same exact tone and the same exact words that Quinn used earlier. She knew in that moment that they were meant for each other. 

“That’s Quinn, she’s pretty hot huh?” Rachel nodded like crazy. “You should go for it.”

She shook her head no like crazy, “There is no way a girl who looks like that would ever go for a girl who looks like me.” 

Brittany’s eyes widened.

Rachel had no idea how hot she was. 

“You never know,” she shot Rachel a wink which brought a smile to her face. “Just talk to her.” and Rachel nodded. 

***

Rachel walked into her final class of the day and once again lost her breath at the sight of  _ her _ . She was sitting right there. 

She wanted to talk to her but she was nervous. 

Thren Brittany’s words played over in her head  _ “You never know.” _

She took a deep breath and sat down next to her. She was happy to see that when the girl looked over her eyes widened and a smile crossed her lips. 

“Hi… I’m Rachel Berry.”

Quinn’s heart was beating loudly in her chest the moment the girl sat down and then she was talking.

_ Oh god even her name is gorgeous.  _

“And since I never forget a face, you must be new here.”

Rachel could feel her palms sweating as she held out her hand and then after what felt like forever the girl placed her hand into Rachel’s and shook it. 

_ It’s so soft _ \- Rachel’s thoughts were running rampant. 

“I’m Quinn Fabray.”

_ Even her name is gorgeous, and her voice… and her hands. Oh god Rachel say something. She’s staring at you like you’re crazy.  _ _  
_ _ Maybe you are.  _

“U-Um… I was thinking that since you’re new here,” she began rambling. “And I’ve lived here my whole life, maybe you'd like to hang out after school,” she could see Quinn’s eyebrow raise and she hoped it was because she was interested. “A-And I could s-show you around town… m-maybe?”

*

Quinn liked the feel of this girl’s hand in hers and was thinking about how she could get used to the feeling of it when Rachel started rambling. 

“U-Um… I was thinking that since you’re new here,” Quinn nodded at her words and her heart was beating so loud there was no way Rachel couldn’t hear it. “And I’ve lived here my whole life, maybe you'd like to hang out after school,” Quinn’s eyebrow raised as panic began setting in. 

_ Was she asking her out _ \- Quinn thought- _ It seemed so and the idea both excited her and terrified her.  _

“A-And I could s-show you around town… m-maybe?”

Unfortunately the terror won out.

“I-I-I can’t,” and with that Quinn was on her feet and running out of the room before Rachel could say anything else. 

A moment later the teacher began doing roll call and when she got to Quinn’s name Rachel spoke up.

“S-She’s here,” Rachel covered for her. “She wasn’t feeling good so she went to the nurse, she asked me to tell you.”

“Very well,” the teacher marked something on her book and continued roll call. 

And Rachel took a deep breath not quite sure what had happened. 

But at least she took her shot. 

_ And it wasn’t exactly a no _ \- she thought-  _ Maybe she just couldn’t today.  _

Rachel would try again.    
What she didn’t know that day was that it would take another year but she would finally get the girl.

***

Quinn once again found herself in the bathroom hovering over a sink and taking a deep breath. 

Once again she had done what she does best… she had run away.

What she didn’t know then was that it would take her another year before she would stop running from Rachel… from her feelings.

But she would stop eventually, and she would get the girl. 

However, currently... she was trying not to have a panic attack. 

And instead of panicking she did the thing she does second best… denial.

And third… anger. 

_ Damn her…  _

She was furious at Rachel for making her feel this way.

And she would stay furious for just over a year.

*

When the final bell rang. Quinn decided it was time to leave the bathroom. 

She couldn’t stay there forever- though it would be easier than facing what she was feeling for Rachel  _ freaking _ Berry.

The first thing she saw in the hall was that the sign up sheets Santana had told her about; were aligning the halls and kids were lined up for the various clubs and teams. The longest of which was for the Cheerios. 

She smiled at the sight of the line. She shot her mom a quick text that she might be a little late because she was signing up for stuff- before she made her way to the end of the line. 

On her way there her eyes caught another sign up sheet. 

There in bold letters was the thing- she hoped- would save her from Rachel Berry and she quickly signed up for it.

**The Celibacy Club**

Sure her name was the only one on it so far but she knew there’d be more. And even if there wasn’t this is what would save her from her inappropriate feelings.

She smiled after signing up- feeling for the first time since she saw that girl- that everything would be okay.

When she made it to the end of the Cheerio’s line she saw a familiar girl standing there. 

“Good choice Quinn,” Santana said to her.

“You really think this is what will make us popular?” 

“Hells yes,” Santana reassured her. 

“Hi Quinn,” Brittany’s voice sounded behind her.

“Hey Brittany,” she smiled and could see that Brittany was staring at Santana and she figured she should introduce them. When she looked at Santana she saw that Santana was staring back at her with the same look. 

It was kind of how Rachel looked at her earlier. 

Quinn quickly shook those thoughts out of her head; there was no way they were having gay thoughts too. 

Little did she know. 

“Oh hey Brittany, this is Santana… Santana this is the first friend I made here, Brittany.” She watched as the girls shook hands and she noticed that their hands lingered together longer than normal.

Again she shook those thoughts away.

_ Get yourself together Quinn. _

“You’re hot,” Brittany said bluntly and Quinn thought nothing of that as Brittany had said that to her as well.

“So are you,” Santana replied and they continued to stare at each other. 

_ Okay that was weird.  _

Then there was a loud splashing sound across the hall and they all looked in that direction.

*

Rachel was signing up for Mr. Ryerson’s glee club. Sure she was annoyed that hers was the first name on the list but she knew there would be others. As soon as she added her traditional gold star sticker to the end of her name; she heard something that sounded like her name.

“Yo Berry,” she recognized the voice as Rick; a boy that was obsessed with hockey and one of most loyal bullies. She turned, bracing herself for whatever insult he was about to throw at her. 

She was not- however- braced for the physical assault of a slushy being thrown at her. It shocked and chilled her to the bone. “Welcome to high school loser!”

Rachel could hear all the laughter around her and she looked down at the brand new outfit her dads bought her and frowned. She was covered in blue syrup and ice. 

She wanted to cry but she would never let herself. 

At least not in front of the neanderthals that had done this to her.

Instead she flung her backpack over her shoulder and headed toward the front door. 

_ Great _ \- she thought-  _ This school has freaking slushies.  _

*

Quinn, Brittany, and Santana turned in time to see the girl now covered in blue ice and syrup and Santana began laughing loudly. 

“Yeah my boy Rick the Stick,” another boy shouted as they walked away from Rachel. Quinn frowned as her eyes met a laughing Santana. When Santana shot her a look that Quinn recognized from her own former bullies she forced herself to smile. 

She couldn’t laugh.

She knew she would have to if she was going to be popular… but today she couldn’t.

Today she turned and watched as Rachel held her head high and walked out of the school with as much confidence as she had walked in with. 

And she could only wish she was as brave as Rachel was.

But she wasn't, she was a coward.

And on that day knowing that in order to be popular she was going to have to watch the girl get bullied- and even one day bully her as well. 

Quinn died a little inside.

But she knew in order to make the dreams of popularity- that she had worked so hard for- come true she would have to stop caring for Rachel and try to hate her.

What she didn’t know then was that she could never hate her and that from this day on the best she could muster was anger. 

She spent the next year angry at Rachel. 

Angry for how confident she was, angry at how she refused to let the bullying bother her… and mostly furious at Rachel for how she made Quinn feel.

But today… today she would let herself drown in these feelings for her. 

***

Quinn climbed into the passenger seat of her mom’s Escalade and watched as Rachel Berry walked across the parking lot; covered in slushy but still walking with confidence and wearing an equally confident smile. She felt her insides flutter.

“How was your day?” Judy wondered. 

“I-I think I’m in love,” the girl answered wistfully. 

Surprised, Judy looked over at where Quinn was staring and saw a short brunette getting into a car and she smiled.

She wasn’t looking forward to the fallout but she was happy her Quinnie was finally being herself.

“Oh yeah,” Judy’s tone was cheerful. “With whom?” She continued to stare at the girl who was now in the car that was driving away.

Quinn snapped out of her daze and faced her mother with a look of panic in her eyes. She could see that her mom was looking at Rachel’s now departing car. 

“Uh… um,” Quinn stuttered and finally Judy met her eyes. “N-Not a who mom… a-a what?” 

“Oh?” It was both a statement and a question.

“Y-Yeah the um… the cheerleading team here are national champions and I signed up.”

“Oh,” this time it definitely wasn’t a question. “That’s good honey.”

As Judy pulled out of the lot she could tell that Quinn was still staring at the car that was now several cars ahead of them. She could tell her baby wasn’t ready and she hoped that when she was- she herself- would handle it well.

But she also knew that the short brunette in the car ahead of them was going to be what changes everything for her Quinnie.

Meanwhile, Quinn was thankful her mom bought the lie. 

And as she stared at Rachel’s car she knew no matter how hard she fought everything had already changed.

She was drowning… and she would be for a little over a year.

When that damn girl, and that damn glee club sang that damn song 

And changed everything. 

*

As Rachel climbed into her dad’s backseat she was careful to put her jacket down on the seat before she sat down. Both Hiram and Leroy were concerned because though Rachel was smiling her usual smile she was also covered, head to toe in blue corn syrup and ice. 

“Um sweetie,” Hiram began as he looked at her face which was tinted blue. She looked a bit like a character from Avatar. “A-Are you okay?”

“I think I’m in love,” her tone was dreamy.

“Oh-okay,” Hiram looked to his husband for help.

“That’s great baby girl but w-why are you blue?”

Rachel snapped out of her Quinn Fabray induced haze and looked down at herself briefly. She then looked back at her dads and waved at herself. “Oh this… this is just more of the same.” 

Hiram and Leroy’s eyes met for a moment and they shared a frown. 

“The bullies are using slushies now,” she shrugged. “I guess my new clothes will have to be used for the weekends only and it’s back to thrift store clothes for school.”

“Are you okay?” Hiram asked.

“I’m great,” Rachel smiled. “Didn’t you hear… I’m in love.”

Again Hiram and Leroy’s eyes met and this time they shrugged. Their Rachel was the strongest person they knew and if she could handle the bullying like she always had then they wouldn’t worry… too much.

They knew if it got to be too much she’d tell them.

“So…” Leroy began. “What’s her name?”

“Quinn Fabray,” Rachel’s answer sounded like a song note with the reverence in which she said it. 

“Tell us about her.”

“She’s tall and blonde, and gorgeous…” and as Rachel continued both men smiled; hoping this Quinn girl felt the same. 

And Rachel…

Well she was drowning. 

*** 

_ “I can't say anything to your face, 'Cause look at your face. And I'm so furious... at you for making me feel this way. But what can I say? You're gorgeous. You make me so happy, it turns back to sad. There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have. You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad.” _

*

END

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the song lyrics are from the song Gorgeous by Taylor Swift.


End file.
